Your Eyes Deceive You.
Why the grass looks greener than it is and what to do about it
In recent conversation with a friend, we found our topic of discussion wander towards the inevitable: reminiscing on the way “things used to be”.
We shared stories of the times from earlier this year; an era that feels like eons ago. Simple things. Sitting at restaurants and sharing drinks. Morning workouts at the gym.
He shared how frustrating it can be to feel helpless and out of control. Certainly, we’ve all felt this way at some point in the past 10 months.
However, a different response surfaced amidst our talk. I felt my eyebrows crease and looked away from the computer screen (social life, circa 2020). My thought seemed to seep out unintentionally.
“There has to be a silver lining.”
This has proven to be an interesting year. Almost all aspects of our lives have taken a drastic turn from expectations. Thinking about living active social lives and attending in-person events feels like a walk down memory lane.
If we look around, we can see the impact of lockdown and coronavirus on our wellbeing and general health. A survey of 195 college students found 71% indicating increased stress and anxiety levels due to COVID-19, and 91% reporting fear or worry about the health of themselves or their family. People are ready for this blip in history to end.
But… It hasn’t. We can feel tension and frustration building in our friends, families, and ourselves.
In times like these, comparison is the easiest thing to do.
This applies to countless aspects of our lives. The things we possess, our physical abilities, even romantic relationships. We often see what we don’t have and compare it to what others do have (or what we once had).
Scientists such as psychologists have performed analyses on how this applies to people and their profession. Keyed “the paradox of work”, research shows an interesting dilemma lots of folks have faced.
It can be easy to get into a remarkably productive mental state at work. Yet, 70% of Americans hate their jobs.
Does anyone else find that number frightening? Imagine if 70% of dogs hated their owners enough to run away, or 70% of people ate McDonald’s breakfast daily. That’s a huge number!
At this rate, to be satisfied seems to be outside of our DNA.
Here’s the thing: what we think we want is not typically in our best interest. If you need an example, look at Denis Diderot. An 18th-Century philosopher, he discovered the idea that, when we acquire things, we can fall down a slippery slope of purchasing more unnecessary things. A new iPhone purchase requires a new case, and this new phone is now compatible with the #1 paid app…
It’s dangerous to look at other situations as better than our own. Some aspects of our lives can always improve, but these are the few elements our minds fixate on.
Comparison is self-revealing. It indicates a discontentment with the present situation, which is why many of us are engaging in the act currently. No surprise!
It’s common to want more than what we have. Total comparison, however, can be paralyzing.
With every problem, there is an ideal method of approaching a solution. Perhaps it’s best to walk through an example for our topic at hand.
Let’s say you view your current situation as less than ideal. Maybe you’re single, recently unemployed, and living alone in a one-bedroom apartment. It’s difficult to see friends and finding a job is downright impossible. Of course, these are real and serious issues to confront.
You find yourself reflecting on the times when you made more money. Some days you think about how easy it was merely a year ago to explore local restaurants.
These are high-stake moments.
The ability of our minds to transcend obstacles is a beautiful thing. As humans, we can overcome desires to compare to other people, other times, or other ideals. But this can be a tricky task.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
— Wayne Dyer
Everything can be viewed through multiple lenses. A computer can be seen as a gaming device, platform for learning, or distraction center, among countless other things.
In the moments we find ourselves unsatisfied or filled with jealousy, our outlook can often be the restraining medium.
There are always positive things to note. Right now, many people are saving time and money through reduced commuting. Despite uncertainty for unemployed citizens, this is a rare moment of minimal workplace stressors. In our example, you might remind yourself of how you didn’t love the work you did at your previous job, and how you have an opportunity to try something new.
Additionally, there are parts of life from 2019 and prior which can be brought into this year. Missing social engagement? As tired as you may be of Zoom calls, a little flexibility can satisfy a slice of your craving. Wanting restaurant-style food? Perhaps you and your friend(s) can alternate making meals for each other once a week.
Do not be jealous of others’ good qualities, but out of admiration adopt them yourself. — Gautama Buddha
A single human mind has the potential to be as powerful a tool as it can a weapon. Slipping into a state of comparison can be a tremendous task to overcome. Instead, applying the words of the Buddha towards all elements of our lives can diminish feelings of anger towards things outside our control.
We can use this beyond coronavirus. Jealousy and situational insecurity happen consistently. Acknowledging what we desire and implementing an element of these interests into our lives can solve the issue of downright frustration.
I believe people should consistently be figuring out how to make their lives better. The differentiator comes from working for something rather than wishing for it.
Working for something provides autonomy, giving the individual some control. Wishing for the same thing means we are, essentially, helpless. To actively pursue any small improvement can prove drastic in the long run.
“The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”
— Confucius
I have resorted to four “hacks” when the comparison mindset begins approaching and recommend any or all to those interested.
Gratitude and mindfulness are the two mental hacks. The impact of reflecting and admiring goodness in our lives cannot be overstated. Of course, this practice takes time and patience, too. But it does open our eyes to positivity around us.
Service and giving are the two action hacks. To give is to receive. Working for the sake of others is a humbling task to assist in re-centering our own perspectives.
The path of improvement is one worth constantly embarking on. Using these four hacks, I believe we can appreciate what we have and exude general happiness to those around us. In your practice, remember to remind yourself of one crucial fact.
“There has to be a silver lining.”
You’ve fought through many roadblocks, both in your life and in this year. Be proud of this. Now, find what you’re interested in improving, plan how you’ll get there, and leave comparison at your doorstep on the way out.
